Yeah, yeah...I know.

Blah blah blah, I haven't posted in a while.  Well, there is many reasons for this, but I'll just list the few that I think are significant.

1. School has been kicking my ass.  I'm taking a shitty course that is destroying me mentally.  It's an absolutely pointless course that is dragging me down and it is affecting everything I do.  I have finals in a few weeks, so this shit will be over soon.

2. I've been waiting for Bazooka Blitzkrieg to get here.  I ordered it.  They shipped it.  It has traveled to every corner of this fucking planet and back, but it still isn't here.  I've had things shipped from overseas that got here faster than this fucking game, which is about an 8 hour drive from where I live.  And the reason I'm waiting for this game is because I wanted to do something special for you guys...but I might be too old to do it by the time it gets here.

3. The next game on the list is Bebe's Kids.  I hate that game.  Everybody hates that game.  And, every popular reviewer has reviewed it, ranted on it, and destroyed it.  So what the hell can I add to it?  Fuck if I know, but I'll work on it.

So, there you go.  I'm a lazy fuck, but I haven't been neglecting you guys on purpose.  That course has literally sapped me of every ounce of energy.  Not only that, but it has put me into a seriously pissy mood that isn't good for anyone, as I can't be funny when I'm in that state of mind.

tl;dr - I suck, I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you guys soon.

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REAL GAMES - BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD

Uh huh huh huh...huh huh huh, yeah, huh huh huh.

Beavis and Butt-head is not your typical side scrolling beat 'em up.  Okay...maybe it is, but it's still a surprisingly good game for a TV Licensed beat 'em up.  Normally, this is where I would explain the subject of the game, but it's Beavis and Butt-head.  Who doesn't know about Mike Judge's greatest creation?  Yeah, I said it.  King of the Hill is good, and his movies are a toss up of perfection or absolute shit, but Beavis and Butt-head is comedy gold.  Deal with it, fartknocker.

Starting the game, we get the original warning telling us not to try these things at home and a rather strange story intro.  GWAR is having a concert, and in order for the boys to go, they have to do "cool things" in order to get in free.  At least, that's the plan.

When your demonic space overlords demand tribute, you better aim to impress.

Oh look, another game that uses only 2 buttons.  (Insert rant about lazy developers being bungholes here)

The audio for this game really confuses me.  At the start we are given a midi rendition of the iconic Beavis and Butt-head theme, but then the game uses voice rendering and clips from the show.  If they had the technology and capabilities of using clips, then why does it destroy the theme song with midi?  Why can we never have good music AND good sound effects?

If you like the art style of the cartoon, then you will love this game.  They have managed to render the sprites and stage designs almost identical to the show.  Excellent.

This "movie" probably wouldn't have been so bad if it had stuck to the show's animated art style.  Some things should never be made into live action.

Okay, they managed to get the voices and animation perfect, but what about the gameplay?  Well, it's fun, but it is not without its problems.  With most beat 'em up games, one can find a rhythm or pattern in how the enemies appear and attack.  In Beavis and Butt-head, everything is random, and at times there is so much crap happening on the screen that you are guaranteed to die.  The boss fights are also ridiculous and take pure luck instead of skill.  But if you can get past these hangups, the game can be really fun.

Beavis and Butt-head is a blast from the past, and nostalgia is probably playing a big part in my final decision...but I'm giving it 3.5 Billy Bobs out of 5.  I can only hope the new Beavis and Butthead episodes will be this good.

I never understood why games feel the need to show us the stages we beat.  Yes, I am well aware that I beat that stage, as well as the rest of the game.  That is why I am watching the end credits.

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R.I.P. Bazooka Blitzkrieg

My copy of Bazooka Blitzkrieg died while being played earlier this evening. It was nearly two decades old. It will be remembered.

In the middle of blowing shit up, the game just stopped working. At first I thought the worse, that my beloved Super Nintendo had died. Luckily, it was just the game. So, no review of Bazooka Blitzkrieg until I can find another copy (5 seconds on eBay, tops). Don't worry though, I'll just update the status to "pending" and continue down the list to the next game.

As for other updates, I added a polite anti-ad block script that I slapped together and LinkWithin.  I also worked on the list some more (up to the letter O now), as well as added contact info to the FAQ.

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REAL GAMES - BATTLETOADS IN BATTLEMANIACS

God damn!  This game is a pain in the dick.

Battletoads in Battlemaniacs is another beat 'em up that features the Ninja Turtle rejects: Rash, Zitz, and Pimple.  You may have heard about the original Nintendo game Battletoads and how insanely hard it was.  Well, the Super Nintendo version is not as bad as that, but it's pretty damn close.  Needless to say, I raged a lot...but I'm okay now.  It's over, and I am done with the Battletoads.  All that is left is to finish this review.

When 4 turtles 3 toads get exposed to the ooze toad essence they transform into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Battletoads.

Despite the name of this being Battletoads, the entire game focuses on Pimple (unless you're playing 2 player, which lets you play as Rash).  The opening story takes us to the Battletoad's lair, which is in Asia for some reason.  T.Bird has invented a virtual reality game, and somehow the Dark Queen manages to use it to kidnap an Asian girl and Zitz.  So are we playing in the virtual reality game?  No.  You jump through the screen, but later you fly your Battlecopter back to the base, so I have no clue what the hell is going on.  Other than being confusing, the opening is very well done.

GOD DAMN IT!  TWO BUTTONS AGAIN?  FFFFFF--okay...I can do this.  Just have to calm down a bit.  Two buttons, one to attack, one to jump.  One of the other 6 buttons is used as a taunt.  The taunt does nothing.

To make up for the lazy ass controls, the music is badass.  Bitchin' 90s tunes for a bitchin' game.  Bitchin.

The graphics are also a major step up from the original NES version, and the Battletoads\Double Dragon team up from my last review.  Sprite animations are strange, but funny.  Stage designs are interactive and unique to each zone.  My only complaint is that the Dark Queen doesn't look as hot in this one.  That makes me feel a little sad.  In my pants.

Upon doing some "research" on the Dark Queen, I found this lovely gem (minus the censored boxes).  Google image search, I love you.

As I said before, this game is fucking hard.  But it is also fucking fun.  It manages to be challenging, but not annoying...which is very hard to do.  There are a few spots that will have you throwing your controller down, as well as a couple minor flaws, but other than that, it's a perfect beat 'em up.

Battletoads in Battlemaniacs is a great game that is almost perfect.  It is far better than most of the beat 'em up genre that I have played, but it isn't the best.  Therefore, I give it 4 mediocre Dark Queens out of 5.  If you're a fan of the Battletoads or beat 'em up games, then you should definitely give this one a try.

You don't want to know how many tries it took me to get the good ending.  Just be thankful that I could hit that mother fucker at all.

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REAL GAMES - BATTLETOADS & DOUBLE DRAGON: THE ULTIMATE TEAM

Writing a review for this has been difficult.  It's not a bad game, but it also gives me very little material to work with.  I beat the game two days ago, and I am just now getting around to writing something.

Battletoads & Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team is a beat 'em up that combines Rare's popular Battletoads franchise and the classic Technos Japan duo, Double Dragon.  Unfortunately, most of this game was made by Rare, and it shows.  It is still a decent game, but it could have been so much better.

When starting the game, we are introduced to the characters and story through a really good cut scene.  The Dark Queen has come to fuck shit up again, and for some reason, the toads feel they need help (despite being perfectly capable at beating her the first time).  They call in the world's finest heroes.  No, not Batman and Superman...the Lee brothers.  They are obviously the greatest heroes on Earth because they saved that girl that one time.  Anyway, pick one of the five available characters and we're on our way.

World's Greatest Heroes: Scott Wolf and that guy from Iron Chef America.  Yup, we're fucked.

Right from the start, I am annoyed.  Two buttons to jump and two buttons to do the exact same attack.  Why do developers do this?  Was anybody actually fooled by this?  Why not give jump and attack three buttons each?  That way the shoulder buttons can get some action as well.  Fucking lazy.

Next up is the music, and it definitely sets the mood.  A game with Battletoads and Double Dragon?  That premise alone reeks of the 90s.  And what were the 90's without hard rock power ballads?  The music in this game is exactly what you would expect: Awesome.

The graphics, however, were not so great.  The character sprites were pretty crappy.  The original Nintendo graphics for both Double Dragon and the Battletoads were a lot better, and that is pathetic.  Stage designs are mediocre, and the only nice thing to look at was the Dark Queen.

She was a brick house, she was mighty might-tay, just letting it all hang out.

And finally, we need to talk about the gameplay.  This game is good, but it should be more than that.  Let's look at the source of these characters.  Double Dragon is one of the all time greats.  Its simplistic beat 'em up style is what every game in the same genre has tried to be.  Battletoads, while mostly known for being outrageously hard, was also a pretty good little game.  So why is it when we combine these two franchises, we get a game that isn't worthy of either title?

Once again, Battletoads & Double Dragon is good.  Is it as good as either of the two franchises involved?  No.  But that does not mean that it isn't fun.  Despite my problems with it in general, I still had a pretty good time playing it.  Therefore, I'm giving it 4 Dark Queens out of 5.

Wow, no credit roll?  How sweet of them.

Oh, and one last thing....Happy New Year everyone.  I'll see you next year!

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REAL GAMES - BATTLE GRAND PRIX

Got my new monitor in today, and it is a lot bigger than I expected.  We're talking original X-Box huge.  I also went out with the wife, ate some delicious fajitas, and then we went to see True Grit.  Excellent day all around.  That is, of course, until I had to play this dumb ass game.

Okay...maybe not XBOX huge.  But pretty damn close.

Battle Grand Prix is one of the most poorly designed racing games that I have ever seen.  You know that horrible vertical split screen crap some racing games do when you are playing two player?  For some stupid reason, the entire game is played through this view.  So what else does this game have to offer, besides a very limited view of what you are doing?  Let's find out.

This game doesn't have much of an opening, but what it does have is options.  Lots of them.  Three different difficulties, one or two players, 4 game modes, 16 drivers and 8 teams to choose from.  There are even more customizations available in the set up before the races.  However, you can cover a pile of crap with bells and whistles, but it's still a pile of crap.

Once again, the most important part of a racing game is the controls.  And these controls are terrible.  The button layout is basic enough, gas and brake, but the steering is impossible.  Just the slightest touch will send you spiraling to your fire death.  The very thought of making a turn will cause you to spontaneously explode.  Even in the Slot Car mode, which requires no steering at all, you will still crash into walls.

Kick the tires and light the fires?  Although, I don't think he did much kicking.

The music is just bad.  Correction, it is infinitely bad, as it loops into forever.  Normally, I make my own vroom vroom sounds, but I only made crashing sounds this time.  That made me a little sad.

The graphics are a complete waste.  Hell, Pole Position for the original Nintendo looked better than this.  The graphic designers for this game didn't even try.

If you like driving into walls and losing, this game is action packed!  For the rest of us, however, this game has nothing to offer.  I barely beat it, by pure will power and determination alone.  I can't imagine anybody actually playing this for fun.

Speaking of driving into walls and losing....What?  Too soon?

Battle Grand Prix is a shitty little racing game with shitty music, shitty graphics, shitty controls, shitty display...shitty everything.  Therefore, it gets a shitty rating.  0 out of 5.  No sprite ratings.  Nothing.  This game is garbage.

This game has no real ending.  Every mode ends with the same screen asking to continue or end.  What a waste of time.

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Hell yeah.

300 Followers! You know what that means? It means that today's post is about having 300 followers, and how I don't have to do a review.

So yeah, I have 300 followers. I don't like the term followers, you are not sheep. Each and every one of you are true bros. Therefore, I have 300 friends. You are more than a number to me. I appreciate every comment, and I would like to thank you all for sticking around. Here's to another fast 100 friends so I can get another break from playing crappy games!

On to other business, I am still updating the list page, but there are a lot of damn games.  I also changed my comments section as I'm sure you have all noticed by now.  I'm also going to work on the faq and probably add another page for something.  Still trying to decide if I want to do video reviews or not, so I figure I'll try one to find out.  It might not be for a while though, as I'm not really familiar with all of this junk.

So that was my rant.  I'll be reviewing some racing game tomorrow, Battle Grand Prix or something like that.  I don't even care, cause I don't have to do shit today.  Have a good one guys, and thanks for the mini-vacation.

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