REAL GAMES - BATTLETOADS & DOUBLE DRAGON: THE ULTIMATE TEAM

Writing a review for this has been difficult.  It's not a bad game, but it also gives me very little material to work with.  I beat the game two days ago, and I am just now getting around to writing something.

Battletoads & Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team is a beat 'em up that combines Rare's popular Battletoads franchise and the classic Technos Japan duo, Double Dragon.  Unfortunately, most of this game was made by Rare, and it shows.  It is still a decent game, but it could have been so much better.

When starting the game, we are introduced to the characters and story through a really good cut scene.  The Dark Queen has come to fuck shit up again, and for some reason, the toads feel they need help (despite being perfectly capable at beating her the first time).  They call in the world's finest heroes.  No, not Batman and Superman...the Lee brothers.  They are obviously the greatest heroes on Earth because they saved that girl that one time.  Anyway, pick one of the five available characters and we're on our way.

World's Greatest Heroes: Scott Wolf and that guy from Iron Chef America.  Yup, we're fucked.

Right from the start, I am annoyed.  Two buttons to jump and two buttons to do the exact same attack.  Why do developers do this?  Was anybody actually fooled by this?  Why not give jump and attack three buttons each?  That way the shoulder buttons can get some action as well.  Fucking lazy.

Next up is the music, and it definitely sets the mood.  A game with Battletoads and Double Dragon?  That premise alone reeks of the 90s.  And what were the 90's without hard rock power ballads?  The music in this game is exactly what you would expect: Awesome.

The graphics, however, were not so great.  The character sprites were pretty crappy.  The original Nintendo graphics for both Double Dragon and the Battletoads were a lot better, and that is pathetic.  Stage designs are mediocre, and the only nice thing to look at was the Dark Queen.

She was a brick house, she was mighty might-tay, just letting it all hang out.

And finally, we need to talk about the gameplay.  This game is good, but it should be more than that.  Let's look at the source of these characters.  Double Dragon is one of the all time greats.  Its simplistic beat 'em up style is what every game in the same genre has tried to be.  Battletoads, while mostly known for being outrageously hard, was also a pretty good little game.  So why is it when we combine these two franchises, we get a game that isn't worthy of either title?

Once again, Battletoads & Double Dragon is good.  Is it as good as either of the two franchises involved?  No.  But that does not mean that it isn't fun.  Despite my problems with it in general, I still had a pretty good time playing it.  Therefore, I'm giving it 4 Dark Queens out of 5.

Wow, no credit roll?  How sweet of them.

Oh, and one last thing....Happy New Year everyone.  I'll see you next year!

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REAL GAMES - BATTLE GRAND PRIX

Got my new monitor in today, and it is a lot bigger than I expected.  We're talking original X-Box huge.  I also went out with the wife, ate some delicious fajitas, and then we went to see True Grit.  Excellent day all around.  That is, of course, until I had to play this dumb ass game.

Okay...maybe not XBOX huge.  But pretty damn close.

Battle Grand Prix is one of the most poorly designed racing games that I have ever seen.  You know that horrible vertical split screen crap some racing games do when you are playing two player?  For some stupid reason, the entire game is played through this view.  So what else does this game have to offer, besides a very limited view of what you are doing?  Let's find out.

This game doesn't have much of an opening, but what it does have is options.  Lots of them.  Three different difficulties, one or two players, 4 game modes, 16 drivers and 8 teams to choose from.  There are even more customizations available in the set up before the races.  However, you can cover a pile of crap with bells and whistles, but it's still a pile of crap.

Once again, the most important part of a racing game is the controls.  And these controls are terrible.  The button layout is basic enough, gas and brake, but the steering is impossible.  Just the slightest touch will send you spiraling to your fire death.  The very thought of making a turn will cause you to spontaneously explode.  Even in the Slot Car mode, which requires no steering at all, you will still crash into walls.

Kick the tires and light the fires?  Although, I don't think he did much kicking.

The music is just bad.  Correction, it is infinitely bad, as it loops into forever.  Normally, I make my own vroom vroom sounds, but I only made crashing sounds this time.  That made me a little sad.

The graphics are a complete waste.  Hell, Pole Position for the original Nintendo looked better than this.  The graphic designers for this game didn't even try.

If you like driving into walls and losing, this game is action packed!  For the rest of us, however, this game has nothing to offer.  I barely beat it, by pure will power and determination alone.  I can't imagine anybody actually playing this for fun.

Speaking of driving into walls and losing....What?  Too soon?

Battle Grand Prix is a shitty little racing game with shitty music, shitty graphics, shitty controls, shitty display...shitty everything.  Therefore, it gets a shitty rating.  0 out of 5.  No sprite ratings.  Nothing.  This game is garbage.

This game has no real ending.  Every mode ends with the same screen asking to continue or end.  What a waste of time.

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Hell yeah.

300 Followers! You know what that means? It means that today's post is about having 300 followers, and how I don't have to do a review.

So yeah, I have 300 followers. I don't like the term followers, you are not sheep. Each and every one of you are true bros. Therefore, I have 300 friends. You are more than a number to me. I appreciate every comment, and I would like to thank you all for sticking around. Here's to another fast 100 friends so I can get another break from playing crappy games!

On to other business, I am still updating the list page, but there are a lot of damn games.  I also changed my comments section as I'm sure you have all noticed by now.  I'm also going to work on the faq and probably add another page for something.  Still trying to decide if I want to do video reviews or not, so I figure I'll try one to find out.  It might not be for a while though, as I'm not really familiar with all of this junk.

So that was my rant.  I'll be reviewing some racing game tomorrow, Battle Grand Prix or something like that.  I don't even care, cause I don't have to do shit today.  Have a good one guys, and thanks for the mini-vacation.

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REAL GAMES - BATTLE CLASH

I really did not want to play this game today.  I kept thinking about the name, and how generic it sounds.  However, when I finally dug through all of my games to find it...I was delightfully surprised to see the Super Scope label on the cartridge.  Fuck yeah, I finally get to use my big ass bazooka peripheral.

Before I begin, I have to bitch about the Super Scope.  Being wireless is awesome, but 6 AA batteries is complete bullshit.  Anyway, Battle Clash is one of the very few first person shooters made for the Super Nintendo.  It is also one of the very few Super Scope games to ever be released.  There are less than a dozen games for this monster of a controller, and if I had to guess why, it would be because this thing was an alkaline guzzling whore.  Even lithium batteries don't stand a chance against this beast.  Not only is this my first Super Scope review, but this is also my first time actually playing a Super Scope game.  Unless you count the "Super Scope 6" that came with it, but those games sucked.  But, enough about the scope, I'm supposed to be reviewing the game.

Dennis Hopper holding a painted Super Scope.  That is the look of a man who just realized he was in a Super Mario Bros movie.  Poor bastard.

This game doesn't bother with an intro or opening story.  Fuck that noise.  You have a bazooka and your goal is to blow shit up, what else do you need to know?  We are given bits of story and dialog before every battle, but nothing is really explained.  We are fighting mecha to get to boss mecha guy, and the previous mecha don't even give a shit about the boss mecha.  The typical dialog after every fight is basically, "Wow.  You've destroyed me.  Kill the boss mecha for us."  I don't understand either...but I do love blowing stuff up.

The controls are...a fucking bazooka.  Seriously, you shoot at the screen.  It's not hard.  Hold the button for machine gun (that is next to worthless), shoot in bursts for energy blasts, or don't push anything until the charge meter is full for a big boom.  There is another button that switches to special weapons you acquire, like the bombs, but they are usually a waste of time.

"Yeah, well, look at it and pull the trigger.  It's really easy"

The music is pretty much the same song over and over.  The sound effects are EXTREMELY lacking.  If I am playing a game in which I am blowing up mecha with a god damn bazooka, I expect loud explosions and laser sounds.  Instead, we get nothing.  Lame.

As for the graphics, my only real complaint is the boring backgrounds.  Other than that, the hi-tech dashboard thing, the mecha, the weapons and explosions...they're all pretty good and provide the proper atmosphere.

This game is fun.  It can be difficult at times, but always fun.  Unfortunately, this game is also short.  There are only 8 stages and a boss, each of which range anywhere from 1 to 5 minutes.  It does offer an increased difficulty mode after you successfully beat it, but even that only adds an additional 30 minutes of gameplay.  Why is it the good games never last long enough?  (except RPGs)

Battle Clash is a very boring title for a pretty decent game.  My final verdict is 3.5 laughing Anubis (Anubi?  Anubises?) out of 5.  If you wasted money on a Super Scope like I did, this game might be a good purchase.  Then again, I don't know many other people that still play their Super Nintendo.

I'm glad I beat it again on hard mode just to see the exact same ending.

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REAL GAMES - BATTLE CARS

Hope you all had a good Christmas, because it's back to business as usual for me.  And by business, I mean playing crappy games.

Not only is Battle Cars a generic name, it's also a generic game.  It tries to disguise itself as some ultra violent game similar to that of the movie Death Race 2000...but in all reality, it's simply a racing game.  Yeah, you have weapons, and yes, you can blow other vehicles up.  However, if you want to beat this game, you need to focus on the racing and ignore everything else.

Why did I reference this movie over the 2008 remake?  Cause it's all about that 70's bush.

Starting off, we are given nothing.  No cut scenes, no story, not even a proper start screen.  So, pick one of the three cars available, and a color, and jump right in.  It doesn't matter which car you pick, as they all handle exactly the same....

...which is to say, poorly.  The controls in this game are absolutely horrendous.  Most racing games use the D-Pad to control the vehicle, and by most, I mean all of them except this one.  You can use the D-pad, but the slightest tap will make you spin out.  Instead, use the shoulder buttons to make turns, unless they are sharp turns, in which you will need to use a combination of both the shoulder buttons and the D-Pad.  However, you also need to use both shoulder buttons to execute the jump, so making turns usually results in launching yourself into a wall either way.  The rest of the controls are pretty basic.  A button to rotate weapons, and a button to shoot weapons.  There is also a brake, but it is absolutely worthless as it does not slow you down gradually, but forces you into a complete stop immediately.

Next up, we have audio.  I am pretty sure that it is the exact same song that is played throughout the entire game, except for one stage: the Asian chick on a motorcycle.  For that stage, it's what you would expect...a generic Asian remix of the same damn theme.  Sound effects are pretty lame as well, but if you've been reading my reviews for a while, you already know what I do for racing games.  Turn the volume down and make my own racing sounds.  VRROOOMMMM!

Maybe if there were more hot Asians on motorcycles, this game wouldn't be so bad.

Graphically, this game put all the effort into the wrong parts.  The cut scenes for the "bosses" are strange, but very well done.  The rest of this game looks like shit.  The vehicles are bland, the courses are confusing, and the stages themselves are painful on the eyes.  If only I could mute the visuals as well.

As always, the real important part is the gameplay.  A game can have absolute garbage for graphics and music, but if it is fun...it's fun.  Unfortunately, this game is not fun.  If the controls were manageable, and if the courses didn't physically hurt me to look at, this game might have been okay at best.

Battle Cars is every bit as bland as the title suggests.  I give it 1 stereotypical Asian in a rice hat out of 5.  Next on the list is Battle Clash.  Hopefully, it isn't as boring as it sounds.

Beat the game and I'm rewarded with an overhead view of how I beat the game...thanks?

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REAL GAMES - DAZE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

(I know it's not Christmas, but I'm not going to be posting for the next couple of days, and I doubt anyone would be reading them anyway.  Also, don't forget to turn your Adblockers off for the new domain address.  I couldn't figure out why half of my crap was missing.)

Merry Christmas! And to those of you who find that offensive, go fuck yourself AND your happy holidays. I don't care whose birthday it is, or what funky voodoo ritual was done thousands of years ago. Christmas is for getting presents, eating good food, and being with family. And for some of us, it's also a time to play some vidya games. And I have found a good one just for you guys.

Daze Before Christmas is a strange platforming game in which you play as old St.Nick himself. In this game, you will fight all sorts of baddies armed only with "The Christmas Spirit"....or a flame thrower. This game also introduces a little bit of Santa lore that I bet a lot of you didn't know. For instance, did you know that when Santa Clause drinks coffee, he turns into his demonic other-self known as the ANTI-CLAUSE? In this form, he wears a blue outfit, sprouts some demon horns, and beats the shit out of people with his sack. A sack of death.

Anti-Clause is a badass, but he's nothing compared to Santa Clause wielding the Infinity Guantlet.

We start off with an interesting story about how an evil bastard has stolen all of the presents. The elves and reindeer are also missing, so it is up to the jolly fat man to save Christmas. Okay, so the story may not be all that original, but at least it explains what the hell is going on.

The controls are easy to learn, but lacking. Shoot magic (or fire, or beat with sack) and jump. Once again, there are eight buttons on a Super Nintendo controller. Feel free to use more than two, developers.

The music in this game is very creepy. It's your basic holiday type music, but it's slowed and distorted to give it a very eerie sound. I like it. It's repetitive as fuck though, so get your jollies and turn it down.

Graphics are...yeah. The sprites and animations are good, and the cutscenes are excellent, but the stage design can be pretty bland at times. It doesn't hinder the game in any way, however, so it's not a big problem.

And finally, the gameplay. This game gives what you would expect from a typical platformer, and just a little bit more. Switching forms between Santa and the demonic Anti-Clause are interesting to say the least, and there is just something awesome about Santa Clause shooting fireballs. It's not perfect, but I had fun...which seems to be rare lately.

At least it's better than watching this shit.  GOOOLDBEEEERRG!!

Daze Before Christmas is definitely a rarity. How many console games can you think of that are based on Christmas? I'm giving it 3.5 hiding Santas out of 5. If you find yourself in the mood for an easy platformer, or you just want to play as an evil Santa that basically mugs people, I would suggest you find this game. You will not be disappointed.

Santa may look all calm and happy, but he's holding a cup of coffee.  That could mean only one thing...he's about to rape some poor elf.

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READ ME, SEYMORE! READ ME!

Okay, so I haven't posted a damn thing in almost 2 weeks.  Sorry about that. 

I've been having a hard time deciding if I want to keep this site going or not.  Is it worth my effort?  Do people really enjoy what I am doing, or could they care less?  Who knows?  All I know is that these games are not going to beat themselves.  Therefore, I will continue to beat these nostalgic nightmares, but some things have to change.

You may have noticed that I have added new pages; The FAQ and list.  The list is a more organized way to keep track of what I've done and what is next on the list.  It's also a lot easier for you guys to find specific games.  The FAQ section should be self explanatory.  But that is not all...I've also got myself a domain.  The new address is www.classicallyown3d.com so please update your bookmarks and remain patient as I update all the damn links. 

There are more changes to come, possibly a new layout, different adverts, and I might even swap written reviews for video reviews.  Then I could be a big boy internet reviewer.  It would also give me more range to explain just how fucking retarded some of these games are.  I haven't decided yet, so let me know what you guys think.  You guys can determine how this site will run!  Unless I disagree with you, in which case...I'll do whatever the fuck I want.  But your ideas are welcome all the same.

And don't worry about the next review.  I promised you guys a Christmas-themed review, and I plan to deliver.

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REAL GAMES - BATTLE BLAZE

What a complete waste of time.

Battle Blaze is a fighting game.  It sucks.  It stars the lovechild of Danny Trejo and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  This game didn't even give me enough material to write a decent review with.  I wonder if I can write this review in less time than it took me to beat the game.  Lets find out!

Please tell me I'm not the only one that sees it.

Start off the game with some random ass story about demons and a contest and blah blah blah.  None of it matters or makes much sense.

Controls are fucking pathetic.  One button to jump, one button to attack.  Movement is also stiff as fuck and performing the simplest of "moves" is near impossible.

Audio is forgettable.  Seriously, I don't remember a single song, and I just finished playing the damn thing.

The graphics are pretty bad too.  The stages were boring, bland, and ugly.  Sprite animation is a joke.

As for the gameplay, there is none.  I beat this game in 17 minutes.  If I had rented this for the weekend as a child, I would have been really fucking pissed.  There is a two player mode, but with the shitty EVERYTHING, why would you want to drag your friends down with you?

 This is the look a person gives when they realize they have chose poorly.

It has been a while, so I guess we were due for another absolute 0 out of 5.  And as always, zeros don't even get their own rating system.  They get nothing but my rage.

This game is bad, and I feel bad for playing it.

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REAL GAMES - BATMAN RETURNS

Hmmm...I really should write this huge paper for my IT course.  Meh, I'll do it later.  I'm in the mood for some vidya games.

Batman Returns is an awesome beat 'em up from Konami.  It is based on the very dark and gritty movie by the same name.  In this game, you suit up in the cape and cowl to face against clowns with rocket launchers, knife throwing injuns, and obese enemies that can launch themselves through the air with their gas.  It sounds pretty badass, right?  It's a Batman game made by Konami.  Of course it's badass.

Batman's deadliest foe is revealed!

The intro to this game is pretty damn good.  Decent cut scenes from the movie play as we are given a brief synopsis of the story thus far.  The Penguin is running for mayor, and Catwoman is prowling the city, doing whatever it is that hot chicks in spandex do.  Shit has gone down.  Go fuck some people up, Batman.

The controls are really easy to learn.  We've got an attack, a jump, a weapon, and a special.  Choke slam a bitch through the wall, slam some heads together, or just jump at them in a really awkward chest-bump type move.  He's the Goddamn Batman.

 I usually try to avoid memes, but this is the last Batman game that I will get to review.  It had to be done.

Audio is pretty rocking, starting off with the theme we all know and love.  The stage music is alright as well, but it can get a little repetitive at times.  Not a whole lot to talk about here, so lets move on.

Graphically, this game shines.  The cut scenes from the movie are great.  The stage designs are excellent.  All of the sprites are done very well.  There isn't a lot to complain about here.  It's an all around good job.

The gameplay is nothing unique.  This is your basic beat 'em up in which everything is done very well.  As I have said before, Konami knows their shit.  They have successfully managed to make a Movie Licensed game that didn't suck.

I can't quite give Batman Returns a perfect rating.  The music does get annoying, and the game itself is very repetitive.  I kept hoping for something new after every stage, but instead I got more of the same.  I'm giving it 4 bat signals out of 5.  Still a damn fine game, and tons better than the last one I reviewed.

Even the ending looks awesome.  Or maybe I'm just used to seeing generic crap endings.  Either way, I liked it.

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Sorry Guys

My courses are kicking my ass these last couple of weeks, along with family holiday stuff.  So, I obviously won't be pumping out a game every day.  I'll try to get some out over the weekend, and I'll have my Christmas themed review up when we get a little closer, so have patience. 

tl;dr - My quest isn't over, I'm just on a really fucked up schedule until my break.

P.S. - Thanks for all of the support you guys have shown so far.  Your comments make my job a lot easier.  Knowing that others are gaining enjoyment out of my misery really keeps me going.

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REAL GAMES - BATMAN FOREVER

Finally!  I'm done with the fishing games!  Now lets see what I have next.  No.  NO.  DEAR GOD NO!

The year is 1995.  It is Christmas, and an innocent 12 year old is unwrapping a small rectangular shaped box.  He sees the all too common red letters that read Super Nintendo.  He quickly finishes unwrapping the box to see what glorious game he had just received.  Batman Forever.  The child is giddy and full of glee as he absolutely loves Batman.  However, that joy would not last.  No...it definitely did not last.

As he started the game, he smiled with anticipation.  The intro reminded him of the movie by the same name that he had saw earlier that year.  He loved the idea of playing as either Batman or Robin, as he had never had such an option in previous Batman games.  He still chose Batman, because nobody ever wants to play as Robin.  Although he wasn't a big fan of the movie, he was sure that the game would be better.  Soon, his naive assumptions would cost him dearly.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

While fighting through a section of the first level, the child was impressed with the controls.  They were very reminiscent of Mortal Kombat in a beat 'em up style of game, and he loved some Mortal Kombat.  However, these same controls would be his downfall!  Not even halfway through the first level, the child's fun came to a complete stop.  You see, the stage required the use of the grappling hook, but the instruction manual had nothing on how to use it.  There was no GameFAQs to help...and despite pushing every button he could think of, there was no way up.  His brand new Christmas gift lasted a total of 3 minutes.  This is where his journey would come to an end for 15 years.  Now, I know what must be done, and it angers me.  Select + Up?  SERIOUSLY?  There are more stupid parts that involve jumping down holes, which required Down + R.  WHO THE FUCK MADE THESE CONTROLS?

Now that I am done narrating the game that killed Christmas, I can go back to reviewing as I always do.  With the sound portion of this game, we are forced to listen to gloomy tracks being looped, as per usual with movie licensed games.  They didn't even bother to add the iconic Batman theme from the movies.  Hell, I would have settled for the 1966 Batman theme.

Graphics were pretty good, but that is also on par for movie licensed games.  A lot of the scenes look close to their movie counterpart.  Unfortunately, that movie was Batman Forever.

I want a game based on THIS movie.  Fund it damn you...

Now for the important part, the gameplay.  The fighting controls make this a very unique beat 'em up.  Sweep kick, uppercut, or just punch them in the dick...it's all fun for the first 10 minutes or so.  Unfortunately, this game offers nothing after that.

So, if this fucking game had not ruined my Christmas, would I have liked it?  Probably.  At least for a little while.  But there is absolutely no fucking excuse for these shitty controls.  NONE.  I give it 1 Bat-Signal out of 5.  Some of you may say that is a bit harsh, but think about that poor 12 year old.  His entire holiday was destroyed by this piece of shit.  If anything, I gave it more than it deserves.

I finally beat this game 15 years later...and this is what I get?  Fuck you, game.

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REAL GAMES - BASSIN'S BLACK BASS WITH HANK PARKER

Wow!  A fishing game with Hank Parker!!  That would probably be awesome if I had any idea who the hell Hank Parker was.

Bassin's Black Bass is a fishing game like no other.  At least, none that I have played before.  From start to finish, this game does not feel like your typical fishing sport type of game.  In fact, it actually feels more like a RPG than anything else. An RPG based on fishing...who comes up with this crap?

The intro for this game is really weird.  RPG music with a detailed story on how your one true goal is to become the best fisherman alive and how nothing will stop you.  Then you get to create your own fisherman (or fisherlady), complete with name and character design.  When you finally get past all of the dialog, you have the option of taking a guide with you.  Don't do it.  The guide doesn't help you at all.  His only purpose is to sit there and call you a dumb ass for not knowing how to fish.  It gets old real damn quick.

Real men are born already skilled at fishing, dumbass.

The controls are awkward, every button does something or brings up menus with even more somethings...ugh.  A fishing game shouldn't require 30 buttons.  Also, the boat controls for this game are stiff and non-responsive, so enjoy bouncing off of rocks.

The music is really good, but it doesn't fit with the theme of the game.  I'm playing a fishing game while listening to music one would expect to find in an RPG.  I guess I can't complain too much though, as it is better than the last couple of games I've played.

I have no clue what is going on in this picture, but this is what the music makes me think of.

Graphics are so-so.  The character sprites are decent, while the fishing stage designs are mediocre.  The stage designs actually make the fishing more difficult, but I'm pretty sure that was intended.  Pretty much what one would expect from a fishing game.

The gameplay for Bassin's is a lot different than the previous two fishing games.  Instead of underwater cam, it sticks with an overhead view for a more realistic fishing style.  Both styles of fishing have their own pros and cons, but I personally prefer the underwater cam style.  If I want realism, I have a fishing pole and a lake just a couple of miles from where I live.  I play games to have fun, not to substitute actual activities.  Other than my nitpicking, there isn't a lot to complain about other than how boring this and every other fishing game I have played has been.

So how did Bassin's Black Bass compare with the other fishing games?  Well, I'm giving it 2 soul-less announcers out of 5.  I feel that it belongs right in the middle of the previous fishing games.  Not my kind of gameplay, but awesome (albeit out of place) music.

Master-Baiter is the supreme fishing champion.

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