Sunday, December 26, 2010


Hope you all had a good Christmas, because it's back to business as usual for me.  And by business, I mean playing crappy games.

Not only is Battle Cars a generic name, it's also a generic game.  It tries to disguise itself as some ultra violent game similar to that of the movie Death Race 2000...but in all reality, it's simply a racing game.  Yeah, you have weapons, and yes, you can blow other vehicles up.  However, if you want to beat this game, you need to focus on the racing and ignore everything else.

Why did I reference this movie over the 2008 remake?  Cause it's all about that 70's bush.

Starting off, we are given nothing.  No cut scenes, no story, not even a proper start screen.  So, pick one of the three cars available, and a color, and jump right in.  It doesn't matter which car you pick, as they all handle exactly the same....

...which is to say, poorly.  The controls in this game are absolutely horrendous.  Most racing games use the D-Pad to control the vehicle, and by most, I mean all of them except this one.  You can use the D-pad, but the slightest tap will make you spin out.  Instead, use the shoulder buttons to make turns, unless they are sharp turns, in which you will need to use a combination of both the shoulder buttons and the D-Pad.  However, you also need to use both shoulder buttons to execute the jump, so making turns usually results in launching yourself into a wall either way.  The rest of the controls are pretty basic.  A button to rotate weapons, and a button to shoot weapons.  There is also a brake, but it is absolutely worthless as it does not slow you down gradually, but forces you into a complete stop immediately.

Next up, we have audio.  I am pretty sure that it is the exact same song that is played throughout the entire game, except for one stage: the Asian chick on a motorcycle.  For that stage, it's what you would expect...a generic Asian remix of the same damn theme.  Sound effects are pretty lame as well, but if you've been reading my reviews for a while, you already know what I do for racing games.  Turn the volume down and make my own racing sounds.  VRROOOMMMM!

Maybe if there were more hot Asians on motorcycles, this game wouldn't be so bad.

Graphically, this game put all the effort into the wrong parts.  The cut scenes for the "bosses" are strange, but very well done.  The rest of this game looks like shit.  The vehicles are bland, the courses are confusing, and the stages themselves are painful on the eyes.  If only I could mute the visuals as well.

As always, the real important part is the gameplay.  A game can have absolute garbage for graphics and music, but if it is's fun.  Unfortunately, this game is not fun.  If the controls were manageable, and if the courses didn't physically hurt me to look at, this game might have been okay at best.

Battle Cars is every bit as bland as the title suggests.  I give it 1 stereotypical Asian in a rice hat out of 5.  Next on the list is Battle Clash.  Hopefully, it isn't as boring as it sounds.

Beat the game and I'm rewarded with an overhead view of how I beat the game...thanks?

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