Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Got my new monitor in today, and it is a lot bigger than I expected.  We're talking original X-Box huge.  I also went out with the wife, ate some delicious fajitas, and then we went to see True Grit.  Excellent day all around.  That is, of course, until I had to play this dumb ass game.

Okay...maybe not XBOX huge.  But pretty damn close.

Battle Grand Prix is one of the most poorly designed racing games that I have ever seen.  You know that horrible vertical split screen crap some racing games do when you are playing two player?  For some stupid reason, the entire game is played through this view.  So what else does this game have to offer, besides a very limited view of what you are doing?  Let's find out.

This game doesn't have much of an opening, but what it does have is options.  Lots of them.  Three different difficulties, one or two players, 4 game modes, 16 drivers and 8 teams to choose from.  There are even more customizations available in the set up before the races.  However, you can cover a pile of crap with bells and whistles, but it's still a pile of crap.

Once again, the most important part of a racing game is the controls.  And these controls are terrible.  The button layout is basic enough, gas and brake, but the steering is impossible.  Just the slightest touch will send you spiraling to your fire death.  The very thought of making a turn will cause you to spontaneously explode.  Even in the Slot Car mode, which requires no steering at all, you will still crash into walls.

Kick the tires and light the fires?  Although, I don't think he did much kicking.

The music is just bad.  Correction, it is infinitely bad, as it loops into forever.  Normally, I make my own vroom vroom sounds, but I only made crashing sounds this time.  That made me a little sad.

The graphics are a complete waste.  Hell, Pole Position for the original Nintendo looked better than this.  The graphic designers for this game didn't even try.

If you like driving into walls and losing, this game is action packed!  For the rest of us, however, this game has nothing to offer.  I barely beat it, by pure will power and determination alone.  I can't imagine anybody actually playing this for fun.

Speaking of driving into walls and losing....What?  Too soon?

Battle Grand Prix is a shitty little racing game with shitty music, shitty graphics, shitty controls, shitty display...shitty everything.  Therefore, it gets a shitty rating.  0 out of 5.  No sprite ratings.  Nothing.  This game is garbage.

This game has no real ending.  Every mode ends with the same screen asking to continue or end.  What a waste of time.

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