REAL GAMES - ALIEN VS PREDATOR

The very idea of aliens and predators going at it has always been a fantasy to us fanboys. And yet, nobody has got it right.

I do not understand why this is such a hard concept for movie and video game producers\developers to understand. When it comes to the movies, the problem is obvious. Humans. When I watch a movie called "Aliens vs Predator" I expect two things. Aliens and Predators. But for some reason, nobody thinks these two badass monsters can make for a good movie alone. So we have to have shitty humans with shitty expositions and shitty plot points that make no sense...etc. These are the same people that thought the best way to make a Transformers movie was to follow Shia Lebeouf for 2 and half hours. Fortunately, this game has little interaction with the humans, but it's still fucking dumb.

We start this simple side scrolling punchan kickan beat em up with the girliest looking predator I have ever seen. You fight wave after wave of palette swapped aliens by punching them in the face. You will find weapons on the ground occasionally, but they're pretty lame. There's a predator disc thingy that you throw by punching. There's a pretty boring spear that you also throw, and that's it. The fist blades never come into play, and the shoulder cannon is so hard to use that it becomes pointless pretty early on.

Correction: This is the girliest predator I have ever seen.  Oddly enough, I'm a little turned on.

There is not a lot to bitch about with the controls, as they are decent. There's the standard jump and punch, with the shoulder buttons as slides. There's also a button to charge your lazers, but as I said earlier...it is fucking worthless. The trick to winning this game doesn't revolve around stealth or anything predator-like. If you can master the jump kick and slide combo, you can beat this game fairly easy.

Audio is blah. Redundant background music is redundant, and laughable sound effects are laughable. Seriously, the predator's victory cry sounds like a fucking baboon. Play on mute and save yourself the headache.

Graphics for this are also a joke. The predator doesn't look intimidating at all, the aliens barely have any animations at all, and the stages are a mess. Even the cutscenes look off. The lack of sprite animations make everything look rushed and poorly made.

Rook to C3 and Check.  Your move, xenomorph.

There isn't much to discuss on the gameplay either. Alien vs Predator is extremely short and very disappointing. Even though the side scrolling beat em up genre is pretty stale, this game somehow makes it worse. I consider the fact that it is only 6 levels long to be a bonus. At least it doesn't drag on forever. Thank You, lazy ass developers.

Alien vs Predator is not what the fanboys have been waiting for. It only scores 1 alien sperm out of 5. Over the years, they have tried and failed with this franchise, including the game for the current gen consoles...but even it has its own flaws. Someday, we will get what we have been waiting for, but don't waste your time on this piece of crap.