Monday, November 29, 2010

REAL GAMES - BALLZ 3D

The name of this game is perfect.  It lets you know what part of the anatomy it sucks.

Ballz 3D is a horrible excuse for a fighting game.  First problem?  Everything is made of balls.  Next problem?  They try to do 3D on a Super Nintendo.  I'm pretty sure they realized how bad this game was because the first thing you see is a screen that says "Ballz" 30+ times.  That's pretty funny when you consider that was what my original review of this game was going to consist of as well.

This is the only reason anybody even plays 3D fighting games.  Don't bother trying to deny it.
Okay, lets start at the beginning.  What kind of amazing story are we going to get with this one?  Well, apparently, you have a wish.  So you have to fight a dozen people to get it granted.  Amazing.  Seriously though, if you're going to half ass a story, why even make one to begin with?

The controls in this game are balls.  Did you see what I did there?  I'll probably do it again, in case you missed it.  Anyway, you have two buttons for jump, two buttons for punch, and two buttons for kick.  Both buttons perform the exact same thing however, so I don't really see the point.  Special moves are done by throwing your controller down and stomping on it as hard as possible.  Well, that's how I did them at least.

The audio in this game is BALLS.  Did you catch it that time?  Anyway, at the very start of the game we are given a song with harsh beeps and other strange sounds accompanied by a woman moaning.  The rest of the song in this game (Notice I said song, as in singular and not plural.  That is not a spelling or grammatical error.) is basically the same thing, just a different cut.  Not only is this song bad, but it actually started to hurt after listening to it for too long.

Who in the fuck made this music?  ...oh.  Well now I just feel bad.
The graphics in this game is BALLS.  No...seriously.  Everything is made of balls.  Sounds pretty stupid, right?  Well, it is.  Every stage looks the same, every fighter looks the same, every move looks the same.  There's a screen that displays messages in the background, but none of these messages make sense.  The 3D aspect of this game is just as bad as you would imagine for the Super Nintendo.  Stand up and spin around as fast as you can if you want to experience what this game has to offer.

This gameplay for Ballz 3D is non existent.  Do you know why modern 3D button mashers succeed?  Good story, awesome music, and stunning graphics.  None of which does this game have.

The tagline for this game was, "To be the champion, you gotta have Ballz!", in which I respond with, "You also need balls if you want testicular cancer".  And thus, I give this game 0 balls out of 5.  Avoid at all cost.

This game doesn't even have an ending.  Once you beat it, you get turned into something else...and the game automatically starts over as that character.

39 comments:

cooperlife said... [Reply]

bare-legged ladies in the snow. Hot? no. I mean yes...

Buff Drinklots said... [Reply]

Fucking Ballz 3d.

caretaker said... [Reply]

So true

The Angry Vegetarian said... [Reply]

I remember playing that game. God it sucked.

IDDQD said... [Reply]

Wow.. Can't say I regret missing out on this one :/

Monster Madness said... [Reply]

Lol the perfect example that a game needs more than graphics!

Amberclad said... [Reply]

lol it looks really like everything is made out of balls :D

Savage Nugget said... [Reply]

sounds about right....suxX0r

MikeyB said... [Reply]

hahahahaha...syndrome of a down

Copyboy said... [Reply]

I'm not following...you're saying it's ballz to the walls awesome? :)

thenitefalls said... [Reply]

I will never play this game I recommend it to someone as a joke lol

Yakoi said... [Reply]

I love jiggly jugs!!! MOAR!

Bart said... [Reply]

thats a wild ending to a game

Suciô Sanchez said... [Reply]

With a name like that...

Lemmiwinks said... [Reply]

Awesome read!

BökChöd said... [Reply]

Awesome review... I died laughing from the outset. I was looking at your choadometer to see how much it sucked, but... it was pretty clear that zero out of 5 probably means you don't need to show any balls at all???

Major.Mack said... [Reply]

Another stellar review from a fellow Hater; Kudos!
I'm kinda choked - they stole my idea. I was developing a game that showed my balls in 3D for two hours with no gameplay just a blinking caption that sez "Suck EM". Well I guess that path to fame and riches is out now :(

SpringyB said... [Reply]

How sad. Ballz 3D is probably the coolest sounding name for a game ever.

John said... [Reply]

I dig your "Cracked" style formatting

Truth Finder said... [Reply]

I think this game was ahead of its time dont you think. even for its name. i still think it was a great game for some of the kids that were going up.

Marlene said... [Reply]

How do you even find these things?!! LOL!

Das Auto! said... [Reply]

so your overall advice was this game sucks graphic-wise, gameplay-wise etc etc, and the only reason to play it is if you have a fixation for ballz? lol. there's a couple sluts i should recommend this to.

Super Rehab Clinic said... [Reply]

You know sometimes I wonder if video game producers just make this stuff to hopefully make a quick buck or two. I cant see how they would honestly think it would be awesome. I mean come on..biggest example. Big rigs off the road racing. Huh? huh?! lol

kokojesta said... [Reply]

wikd game dude :)

Gurney said... [Reply]

lol i remember this shit

Colin B said... [Reply]

I'd make a testicle joke, but I think that's been done

Shimizu said... [Reply]

never played, still, this isn't on my to-play list
now, good luck with barbie super model game
haha

Joe said... [Reply]

ballz 3d... we rented that game when it came out. yeah it sucked but it was the first 3d fighting game

Chuck McElroy IV said... [Reply]

Hahaha. I actually played this one before!

Das Mostrencxs Information & Intellingentsia Sistema said... [Reply]

They promised balls, they gave you balls...

Longkid said... [Reply]

Looks like a fun game

Krichevskoy said... [Reply]

you want balls? you got it now!

Come At Me Bro said... [Reply]

I love this game!

Apps Master said... [Reply]

don't like this game...

S said... [Reply]

great funny review u got there but the games seems...not that appealing

Astra said... [Reply]

lol, love the pics

Seion said... [Reply]

Another disappointment? Well, isn't that balls.

Justsayin' said... [Reply]

Yea this game sucks.

Wally J said... [Reply]

Syndrome of a Down? Terrible, just terrible.... though funny... but terrible.

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