REAL GAMES - BALLZ 3D

The name of this game is perfect.  It lets you know what part of the anatomy it sucks.

Ballz 3D is a horrible excuse for a fighting game.  First problem?  Everything is made of balls.  Next problem?  They try to do 3D on a Super Nintendo.  I'm pretty sure they realized how bad this game was because the first thing you see is a screen that says "Ballz" 30+ times.  That's pretty funny when you consider that was what my original review of this game was going to consist of as well.

This is the only reason anybody even plays 3D fighting games.  Don't bother trying to deny it.

Okay, lets start at the beginning.  What kind of amazing story are we going to get with this one?  Well, apparently, you have a wish.  So you have to fight a dozen people to get it granted.  Amazing.  Seriously though, if you're going to half ass a story, why even make one to begin with?

The controls in this game are balls.  Did you see what I did there?  I'll probably do it again, in case you missed it.  Anyway, you have two buttons for jump, two buttons for punch, and two buttons for kick.  Both buttons perform the exact same thing however, so I don't really see the point.  Special moves are done by throwing your controller down and stomping on it as hard as possible.  Well, that's how I did them at least.

The audio in this game is BALLS.  Did you catch it that time?  Anyway, at the very start of the game we are given a song with harsh beeps and other strange sounds accompanied by a woman moaning.  The rest of the song in this game (Notice I said song, as in singular and not plural.  That is not a spelling or grammatical error.) is basically the same thing, just a different cut.  Not only is this song bad, but it actually started to hurt after listening to it for too long.

Who in the fuck made this music?  ...oh.  Well now I just feel bad.

The graphics in this game is BALLS.  No...seriously.  Everything is made of balls.  Sounds pretty stupid, right?  Well, it is.  Every stage looks the same, every fighter looks the same, every move looks the same.  There's a screen that displays messages in the background, but none of these messages make sense.  The 3D aspect of this game is just as bad as you would imagine for the Super Nintendo.  Stand up and spin around as fast as you can if you want to experience what this game has to offer.

This gameplay for Ballz 3D is non existent.  Do you know why modern 3D button mashers succeed?  Good story, awesome music, and stunning graphics.  None of which does this game have.

The tagline for this game was, "To be the champion, you gotta have Ballz!", in which I respond with, "You also need balls if you want testicular cancer".  And thus, I give this game 0 balls out of 5.  Avoid at all cost.

This game doesn't even have an ending.  Once you beat it, you get turned into something else...and the game automatically starts over as that character.