Tuesday, December 7, 2010

REAL GAMES - BATMAN FOREVER

Finally!  I'm done with the fishing games!  Now lets see what I have next.  No.  NO.  DEAR GOD NO!

The year is 1995.  It is Christmas, and an innocent 12 year old is unwrapping a small rectangular shaped box.  He sees the all too common red letters that read Super Nintendo.  He quickly finishes unwrapping the box to see what glorious game he had just received.  Batman Forever.  The child is giddy and full of glee as he absolutely loves Batman.  However, that joy would not last.  No...it definitely did not last.

As he started the game, he smiled with anticipation.  The intro reminded him of the movie by the same name that he had saw earlier that year.  He loved the idea of playing as either Batman or Robin, as he had never had such an option in previous Batman games.  He still chose Batman, because nobody ever wants to play as Robin.  Although he wasn't a big fan of the movie, he was sure that the game would be better.  Soon, his naive assumptions would cost him dearly.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

While fighting through a section of the first level, the child was impressed with the controls.  They were very reminiscent of Mortal Kombat in a beat 'em up style of game, and he loved some Mortal Kombat.  However, these same controls would be his downfall!  Not even halfway through the first level, the child's fun came to a complete stop.  You see, the stage required the use of the grappling hook, but the instruction manual had nothing on how to use it.  There was no GameFAQs to help...and despite pushing every button he could think of, there was no way up.  His brand new Christmas gift lasted a total of 3 minutes.  This is where his journey would come to an end for 15 years.  Now, I know what must be done, and it angers me.  Select + Up?  SERIOUSLY?  There are more stupid parts that involve jumping down holes, which required Down + R.  WHO THE FUCK MADE THESE CONTROLS?

Now that I am done narrating the game that killed Christmas, I can go back to reviewing as I always do.  With the sound portion of this game, we are forced to listen to gloomy tracks being looped, as per usual with movie licensed games.  They didn't even bother to add the iconic Batman theme from the movies.  Hell, I would have settled for the 1966 Batman theme.

Graphics were pretty good, but that is also on par for movie licensed games.  A lot of the scenes look close to their movie counterpart.  Unfortunately, that movie was Batman Forever.

I want a game based on THIS movie.  Fund it damn you...

Now for the important part, the gameplay.  The fighting controls make this a very unique beat 'em up.  Sweep kick, uppercut, or just punch them in the dick...it's all fun for the first 10 minutes or so.  Unfortunately, this game offers nothing after that.

So, if this fucking game had not ruined my Christmas, would I have liked it?  Probably.  At least for a little while.  But there is absolutely no fucking excuse for these shitty controls.  NONE.  I give it 1 Bat-Signal out of 5.  Some of you may say that is a bit harsh, but think about that poor 12 year old.  His entire holiday was destroyed by this piece of shit.  If anything, I gave it more than it deserves.

I finally beat this game 15 years later...and this is what I get?  Fuck you, game.

36 comments:

Zombie said... [Reply]

oh god batman forever...

Chuck McElroy IV said... [Reply]

Wow. What a shitty ending for an even shittier game. I do agree with the porn movie though.

Das Auto! said... [Reply]

i agree, the game was a massive letdown. the theme song would have made it slightly better, perhaps.

Mr Bouchard said... [Reply]

Good thing the batman games are now way better!

Gurney said... [Reply]

oh god i remember this game. Was hard as all shit

Guy Movie Blogger said... [Reply]

This review hits me where it hurts. I remember getting this piece of shit for Christmas when it came out. Bastards... I had my parents return it.

SpringyB said... [Reply]

Oh wow you actually went and beat it.

I actually appreciate what they -tried- to do with the controls, if they would have put a little more effort into them and explained everything this would have been a fun game.

Super Rehab Clinic said... [Reply]

Yea I remember this game. .....I want to burn it so badly. Man did I hate this game!

Kevin said... [Reply]

All the games you hate I loved, what's with that.

Truth Finder said... [Reply]

oh yea. i remember this. i beat the shitout of this game.

The Game Store Guy said... [Reply]

Oh. My. Word. I forgot about this game*. o_o

*Read: "I forcibly removed this memory from my brain through the use of multiple steely objects along with years of therapy"

ImmaFrog said... [Reply]

What's not to love from men in thights?

Smile said... [Reply]

Although its far from perfect i like this one and i'm quite sure I would have liked it even more in the Christmas of 95

cooperlife said... [Reply]

... I was looking forward to another fishing game.

Apps Master said... [Reply]

I remember it ! I so much liked playing this game :p

Yakoi said... [Reply]

Yes, but my love, it is over now, you never have to play that stinky game again. =P

Copyboy said... [Reply]

Oh c'mon!!! Where's the love? At least it wasn't Batman and Robin.

Seion said... [Reply]

Aw. Kinda got my hopes up that it would have actually been a decent game.

Suciô Sanchez said... [Reply]

The film in the poster looks interesting.

HTT said... [Reply]

I love batman

The Angry Vegetarian said... [Reply]

I have diarrhea now. I remember that movie and game too well. Sick.

caretaker said... [Reply]

like batman

Mister Sharaf said... [Reply]

nice blog, nice post. love batman

followin

www.yourchilltime.blogspot.com

Monster Madness said... [Reply]

It reminds me of mortal kombat too XD

Leddi said... [Reply]

1 out of 5? Thats more than I would give the movie...

MikeyB said... [Reply]

the. best. game. ever. whoever doesnt like it doesnt understand...greatness?

ThatGuy said... [Reply]

The only problem about going through these older games is they suck compared to todays and you can never look at them through the same eyes.

mind said... [Reply]

hahahaa i had the same fu**ing problem but i sell the game

Tal Zahn said... [Reply]

I'm afraid I never could like a batman game... Most have always seemed badly done.

Come At Me Bro said... [Reply]

Batman is great!

Toliver Edge said... [Reply]

I remember playing this back in the day...

I think a broken controller was involved.

cupcakelady said... [Reply]

Holy Smokes, best games ever, I love your blog! I need to break out my old system now and get playing me some starfox and mario!

Astra said... [Reply]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ..lol

thenitefalls said... [Reply]

I had this game and I only played in once. Never played it again lol

CandleintheDark said... [Reply]

omfg I remember this. I hated that game.

Alex said... [Reply]

awww men.. i loved this game...
maybe because I was done playing mortal kombat...

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