Sunday, December 12, 2010

REAL GAMES - BATTLE BLAZE

What a complete waste of time.

Battle Blaze is a fighting game.  It sucks.  It stars the lovechild of Danny Trejo and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  This game didn't even give me enough material to write a decent review with.  I wonder if I can write this review in less time than it took me to beat the game.  Lets find out!

Please tell me I'm not the only one that sees it.

Start off the game with some random ass story about demons and a contest and blah blah blah.  None of it matters or makes much sense.

Controls are fucking pathetic.  One button to jump, one button to attack.  Movement is also stiff as fuck and performing the simplest of "moves" is near impossible.

Audio is forgettable.  Seriously, I don't remember a single song, and I just finished playing the damn thing.

The graphics are pretty bad too.  The stages were boring, bland, and ugly.  Sprite animation is a joke.

As for the gameplay, there is none.  I beat this game in 17 minutes.  If I had rented this for the weekend as a child, I would have been really fucking pissed.  There is a two player mode, but with the shitty EVERYTHING, why would you want to drag your friends down with you?

 This is the look a person gives when they realize they have chose poorly.

It has been a while, so I guess we were due for another absolute 0 out of 5.  And as always, zeros don't even get their own rating system.  They get nothing but my rage.

This game is bad, and I feel bad for playing it.

48 comments:

Chuck McElroy IV said... [Reply]

You actually palyed this garbage? I want the seven minutes I spent reading about it back! Don't get me wrong, the review is awesome but it made me RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!1

Rorschach Redemption said... [Reply]

Well now I feel bad for watching the closing credits.

Guy Movie Blogger said... [Reply]

LMAO you nailed it with Trejo. 17 minutes has to be some sort of record for shortest piece of crap ever loaded onto a cartridge.

Das Auto! said... [Reply]

0 outta 5, damn! not even one star for "The Governator"?

Major.Mack said... [Reply]

i'd return it for another game and get a free rental, that video sucks cock.

The Game Store Guy said... [Reply]

17 minutes?! Wow...that's just terrible. Not too mention that the ending does nothing to defend itself against your accusations about it being poorly made.

Smile said... [Reply]

Doesn't look very cool but I think it would have been a hit at the time it was launched

David Davidson said... [Reply]

"It stars the lovechild of Danny Trejo and Arnold Schwarzenegger" HAHAHA! Yup thats exactly what he looks like!

The Angry Lurker said... [Reply]

Bad.

tigey said... [Reply]

Agree, this is a bad game

ImmaFrog said... [Reply]

konan was the man!

cooperlife said... [Reply]

the little girl is cute :3

SpringyB said... [Reply]

17 minutes? Uh, wow. It must be bad if it doesn't even get a rating. Maybe you can just sweep this under the rug and everyone will forget about it.

Monster Madness said... [Reply]

Another game I never tried ;)

Mr Bouchard said... [Reply]

I might start to read the note before reading your reviews. The lower is the note, the funniest it is! Hahaha

Suciô Sanchez said... [Reply]

"Nil points"

MikeyB said... [Reply]

that youtube video is so fuckin awful hahahahaha I would hve turned it off after the opening sequence

Justsayin' said... [Reply]

17 minutes to beat a game...that's a pretty bad game lol.

Gurney said... [Reply]

LOL 17mins! thats terrible

thenitefalls said... [Reply]

Lol the main character does look like Conan and Danny Trejo!

NooG said... [Reply]

you're right, this thing looks like a shitty castlevania... the music is horrible too

The Angry Vegetarian said... [Reply]

I get such satisfaction when I see you rate something with a zero. I love it.

Shimizu said... [Reply]

so...
did you wrote that faster than finishing the game??
i bet you did.. lol

Mister Sharaf said... [Reply]

i must kill them all

HTT said... [Reply]

poor girl :(

BökChöd said... [Reply]

HAhahaha... I am still waiting for the day you give a thumbs up to a game! lol.... but these rants are hilarious.

BökChöd said... [Reply]

BTW... what happened to your scale pics, like... 0 thumbs out of 5 or somethin?


The Book of Choad

Super Rehab Clinic said... [Reply]

You know this game looks ALOT like Barbarian from the Amiga graphic wise? Was this made by the same people as Psygnosis? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j49oca99wIs Link to the intro of the game. Seriously! Graphics look the same!

mind said... [Reply]

lllllloooooooooooooooooooolllllllllllllllllll that was actually a bad game

Astra said... [Reply]

gotta love lil kids gamin

honkhonkpt said... [Reply]

Haha wow 17 minutes!

ThatGuy said... [Reply]

Another thumbs down review.lol I hope you find one you like.

Seion said... [Reply]

Wow. Sounds like a pretty pathetic game. Seventeen minutes is pretty pathetic for an SNES game.

Max said... [Reply]

Sounds, looks, and probably smells like shit.
You're fulfilling something I've wanted to do for a long time, though!

Billy said... [Reply]

16-bit WOOT!

Sarah said... [Reply]

Ahhh fuck,old games.Nostalgia'd hard!
Im in WoW and starcaft 2 now,im 17 YO harcore-gamer-girl!

Im followin all of us,follow me if you like my blog!

http://sarah-puddipuddi.blogspot.com/

Tal Zahn said... [Reply]

Ugh, glad I never encountered this garbage when i was younger then. >_>

Alex said... [Reply]

it looks so epic! =(

CandleintheDark said... [Reply]

Pure greatness. This post is full of lies

Marlene said... [Reply]

Watching you play these games must be pretty amazing. My hand-eye coordination sucks. I might last ten seconds in any of these games. (That's being generous!)

Castor Troy said... [Reply]

this game is epic no matter what you say dude.

Last Remaining Light said... [Reply]

GOD... PLEASE... THE MUSIC... END IT

kwile said... [Reply]

Lmfao...I remember playing that. Oh...the torture.

CandleintheDark said... [Reply]

Damn, I can't believe I remembered that.

Yakoi said... [Reply]

Bleh, sounds absolutely awful. Find a good streak of games to play my love!

erics said... [Reply]

i must say, the sprites don't actually look too bad.

Joe said... [Reply]

17 minutes? You could almost fit that in a youtube...

Tango Anglo said... [Reply]

I'll just stick with Altered Beast or Golden Axe instead.

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