REAL GAMES - CLOCK TOWER

I know, I know.  This isn't next on the alphabetical list, nor is it on the list at all.  But it's Halloween!  And what is Halloween without a scary as shit game?

A lot of you have probably heard of the Clock Tower series of games.  Most of you probably played the first one for the original Playstation.  But in all reality, that wasn't the first one at all.  Clock Tower was originally released for the Super Famicon (Japanese Super Nintendo), and it wasn't ported to the states at the time because they believed Americans would shit themselves in fear.  In fact, the original Clock Tower didn't come to the states until much later on the Playstation port Clock Tower - The First Fear.  But how scary can a Super Nintendo game be?  Pretty god damn scary.  So lets get ready to crap our pants and get this started, shall we?

Who's scared now, silly Asians?

Let me start by saying that everything in this game is creepy as hell, even the title screen.  Anyway, we start with some amazing cut scenes and dialog that explain what is currently happening.  A group of orphans have been adopted, and they are making their way to the mansion that they will live in.  You play as one of the orphans named Jennifer, and your goal is to figure out just what the fuck is going on.  I can't say much more than that without spoiling the game, so lets move on.

Clock Tower has some interesting controls to go along with its interesting style.  You have two directional run button, an action button, a stop button, an inventory button, and an OH SHIT button.  There really is no other way to describe what this button does.  If you say "OH SHIT!" out loud, then you should probably be slamming this button as fast as possible.

The OH SHIT button now comes in 4 different varieties, including Kosher.

The first thing you will notice from the title screen until the very end of the game is the music.  Every single second of this game's music will raise the hair on the back of your neck.  The sound effects in this game are just as perfect.  I literally jumped in my chair every time something scary happened.  So this begs the question...Why is a Super Nintendo game capable of setting the proper mood when today's games cannot?

With interesting controls and brilliant music, we also get stunning visuals.  This game is full of beautifully rendered cut scenes and amazing stage designs.  The main characters sprites in this game give us a wide range of emotions, while the other sprites are grotesque and frightening.  Top notch work for a top notch game.

Clock Tower may be the only real horror game for the Super Nintendo (that I know of at least), but the gameplay succeeds to thrill with psychological plot points and well placed jump scares.  The entire game gives you a feeling of dread and curiosity.  You're scared to open that door, but you need to know what's inside.

Clock Tower is fucking amazing, and it is also scary as hell.  It definitely gets 5 giant scissor wielding demonic children out of 5.  I would suggest this game over 90% of the horror genre released for today's systems.  If you want to play it, you have a few options.  The easiest would be to download a translated rom which can be found with a simple Google search.  But that's illegal, and morally wrong...or something like that.  You might be able to find the Playstation port, but a lot was changed for that, so I can't guarantee that it will be as scary as the original.  Last, you could buy the original game and a Super Famicon to play it on, but you'll have to be fluent in moonspeak to play it.  Whatever option you choose, have fun, and a Happy Halloween!

Like the Silent Hill games, your ending depends on what you do within the game.  This is the final scene from the S ending, but I'm not going to explain it any more than that.  You'll just have to play it yourself to find out.

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REAL GAMES - AERO THE ACRO-BAT

Well, my vacation from platformers was short lived.  And after playing this, I desperately need another one.

During the console wars of the 90's, every console had to have a mascot.  Everyone knows the Sega systems had Sonic the Hedgehog and Nintendo had Mario, but what you may not have known is that even game producers had to have mascots.  Sunsoft, known for mostly its shitty franchise licensed games, had to have one of their own.  And that is why I am having to review the pile of guano known as Aero the Acro-bat.

We start the game off in a circus, with our furry rodent in spandex bouncing off trampolines and riding unicycles across tightropes.  Collect junk food and beat up clowns...and I'm already bored with this game.

This game has some pretty dumb controls.  Unlike most mascots at the time, Aero cannot defeat enemies by jumping on their heads.  Oh no, he has to perform some sort of corkscrew plancha midair like a god damn luchador.  Unfortunately, this move can't hit a target for shit.  You also have a fireball attack that uses the stars you collect through out the levels.  But even this simple idea is flawed by the controls.  In order to throw these stars, you must first come to a complete stop.  It sounds easy, if not retarded, but this game uses momentum physics.  So you keep running even when you're not touching the controls.  This makes the star attack completely pointless.

While looking for pics of luchadors I found this.  E C W!  E C W!

Have you ever been to a circus?  Did you immediately go home and download circus music and have a jam out session?  If so, this game was made for you.  For the rest of us normal people, the music is just plain annoying.  The only other sound of interest would be when Aero gets hit, in which he does the Michael Jackson crotch grab scream.  Yeeow!

I'm not really sure what they were going for with the graphics in this game.  Everything is detailed and highly rendered, but the effort is wasted.  They took the most uncreative backgrounds and platforming elements, and made them look pretty.  According to Mythbusters and this game, you can indeed polish shit.

Shit has never looked so shiny.

The gameplay relies on gimmicks to sell the game.  Launch yourself through the air with cannons!  Ride your unicycle across the tightrope without a net!  Jump through the hoops of fire while avoiding the pit of death!...etc.  These are all interesting ideas on paper, but when they are applied, it comes out feeling like the same old crap we have all played a million times.  There are so many ideas possible with an acrobatic bat, but they chose the most boring route possible.

For a platforming game, this is okay.  But to introduce a mascot, it fails pretty hard.  I would much rather play a Sonic or Mario game.  Hell, I would rather play a Bubsy game.  It gets 2 deep fried rodents out of 5.  Hopefully the sequel is better.

No, it's not.  But it should have been.

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REAL GAMES - AERO FIGHTERS

 Real Games - Aero Fighters

Finally, I get to play something other than platformers!  And it's a vertical shooter, which are one of my favorite genres.  Unfortunately, Aero Fighters is a pretty lackluster addition.

Aero Fighters, also known as Sonic Wings in Japan, doesn't have much of a story.  Actually...it doesn't really have a story at all.  I don't have any sort of information on what is taking place in this game, other than dodging and shooting.  I played through this game twice with different characters in hopes of a plot, but there is none to be found.  But who needs a story?

So we start off by picking a country to get a specific jet, or a super powered bunny rabbit after you beat the game, and go straight to blowing shit up.  You wont find any long drawn out dialog or fancy cut scenes here.

Those silly Asians love their bunnies.

The controls consist of shoot and bomb.  That's pretty standard for a vertical shooter though, so no complaints here.

The audio in this game is boring and the sound effects can be heard in just about every vertical shooter in history.  Seriously guys, when are we going to get a vertical shooter with Flight of the Valkyries playing?  That alone would guarantee the game success.

Listening to Flight of the Valkyries can make anything enjoyable.

The graphics in this game are a mixture of good and bad.  The various weapons you shoot are pretty awesome, and some of the enemy designs look good, but everything else is lame.  Everything about this game appears to be half-assed.

Speaking of half-assed, the gameplay follows in this trend.  After being disappointed by everything this game has to offer, I still managed to have fun.  However, that fun was short lived.  There is only 8 stages total, and they are all extremely short.  I beat this game in under an hour, and aside from the unlocked super bunny character, there is no real reason to play it again.

I really love this type of shooter game, so for me, this game was a major let down.  It barely earns 2 loli pilots out of 5.  I can only hope the next shooter meets my expectations.

Here's the ending of the second play through, after I unlocked Rabio and Lepus there.  They couldn't even put an effort into the ending.

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REAL GAMES - ADVENTURES OF YOGI BEAR

 Real Games - Adventures of Yogi Bear

Finally! The last of the "Adventure of.." games, and the only one that doesn't have a "the" in the title.

I'm just going to come out and say it, I have never liked Yogi Bear. In fact, I don't like the majority of so called classic cartoons. When I was at the right age for these cartoons to leave their mark, I was watching Thundercats and Transformers. If I was born just one or two years earlier, I would probably have a completely different outlook on these type of cartoons. Why am I ranting about cartoons that I don't like? Because the Super Nintendo loved to destroy these franchises with really bad games. There was, however, the rare exception. Games that were never rented or purchased because they looked and sounded like the same old generic cartoon licensed crap. But despite their appearance, a couple of these games were actually quite enjoyable. Adventures of Yogi Bear is the hidden pearl in a sea of mediocre shit.

Sorry Yogi, but you just can't compete with DAT ASS.

When I started this game, I was positive that it was going to suck. Just another generic platforming game based on a cartoon that sucked. I can happily say that I was completely wrong.

The controls for this game are as basic as you can get. Jump and pause. Normally, I would complain about how there is 8 buttons on the controller, but I think if they had added too much to this game that it would have made it less fun. It could have used a run button, but even that could have changed the game for the worse.

The music in this game was pretty decent. It uses a voice rendering of Yogi Bear at the beginning that was very impressive. Not a whole lot to say about the sound effects, other than they were better than most found in cartoon or movie licensed games.

The visuals in this game are a definite improvement over the dated cartoon style. The backgrounds were massively updated, and even the sprites make Yogi look better. I'm glad they went this route instead of trying to stay true to the source material like Rocky and Bullwinkle.

And now for what really sets this game above the others in the genre, the fucking awesome gameplay. This is a platform game. We have all played them, and for the most part, they are all the same. This game, however, tries something that wont be seen until much much later on more advanced systems. This game is easy enough for kids, but provides additional challenges for older and more skilled gamers as well. Each stage has various paths, each requiring different levels of skill. For taking the more difficult and challenging paths, you are rewarded with "Dream" Stages and ridiculous score multipliers. So regardless if you're just a kid or someone with cat like reflexes and ninja-esque platforming skills, this game is truly fun.

For your amazing gaming skills, you are rewarded with Dream Stages.  Sadly, they're nothing like this.

The Adventures of Yogi Bear was a very nice surprise, and a much needed break from the tedious shit that I have been playing as of late. I'm giving it 4 picnic baskets out of 5. I can't give it a 5, simply because the last set of stages are a major let down. They stray from the format in order to increase difficulty, but it only increases frustration. If something works, don't fuck with it.

Seriously?  You see this same scene multiple times throughout the game.  All they did was change what is says.  Lame.

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Changes.

As you can see, a lot of changes have been made.  Some of you may be wondering what the deal is with the Real Games tag in most of the posts.  Personally, I found the organization of this site pretty crappy, so I added the Real Games tag to my reviews, and left everything else alone.  I also put the tag in the labels as well. 

Now you can find the games through the blog archive or label sections a lot easier without having to sift through non-game related rants...like this one.  I'm still working on it though, and if I can find something better, I'll try it out.

Thanks for sticking with the site while I try to find the style that works best.

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REAL GAMES - THE ADVENTURES OF TIN TIN - PRISONERS OF THE SUN

God damn this game has a long title.  Did it really need the "adventures of" title as well?  I just have this and Yogi bear left, and then I'm done with these damn adventures of games.

Going in to this game, I had never even heard of Tin Tin before.  Apparently, this franchise is popular as hell in France.  From comic strips to live action and animated movies, Tin Tin has been in everything.  So, of course it has a Super Nintendo game.  The game is actually based off of a movie, that is based off of a book, that was originally based on the comic strip.  As confusing as that is, the game surpasses that with a very strange take on the platforming genre.

I have no clue what this says, but the French are fucking weird.  I can only guess that a Casterman is the guy that gets castrated by the bull.

Starting off, I was quick to realize that this game has a very unique style to it.  Yes, it is a platform game, but it actually uses the background to get around.  You have to constantly jump to the foreground or background to avoid enemies and objects.  It can be confusing at times, but it something I haven't seen in a SNES game until now.

The controls are...strange.  You have the standard run, jump, and action button, but the d-pad also comes into play.  Down picks things up, makes Tin Tin crawl, and jumps to the foreground.  Up climbs walls and cliffs, but also jumps to the background.  There is also various one time uses throughout the game, such as attacking with a canoe paddle.  If they had used the shoulder buttons to change playing fields, it would have been a lot better in my opinion.

The music in this game is definitely it's weakest attribute.  Bland midis are looped throughout the entire thing, and to be honest, the sound effects are either non existent or just plain pointless.

Daft Punk: The only good music to ever come out of France.

Graphically, The Adventures of Tin Tin may appear bland and underwhelming.  However, upon my research of the Tin Tin franchise, I discovered that the game is pretty faithful to the source material.  I guess that's just how the French roll.  Or the Belgians.  Not really sure who to blame.

Unfortunately, the new elements introduced into the gameplay provide more frustration than fun.  There's also the length of the game to factor in.  There are about 12 stages of sorts, and they all go on for way too long.  In fact, that pretty much explains this entire game: Too Damn Long.

The Adventures of Tin Tin tries to add some freshness to platforming, but the game itself is stale.  I'll give it 2 fanatical Aztecs out of 5 though, simply for trying something new.  If you're a fan of the franchise, this might be fun for you, but otherwise don't even bother.

After tricking the Aztecs into believing you are a god, you shake hands and the credits roll.  Woopidy do.

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REAL GAMES - THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE AND FRIENDS

You know what?  I'm getting tired of all these "The adventure of.." games, and I still have two more after this one.  What's even worse is that this one is about Rocky and Bullwinkle.  Ugh...

The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle and Friends was a cartoon series that lasted from 1959 to 1964, and was a hit for both children and adults.  The humor mainly revolved around the use of puns, but just like the Addams Family, I was born 20+ years too late to give a shit.  I watched the reruns when I was a kid, because I needed to kill 30 minutes between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and X-Men.  You know, good cartoons.  For some reason, this show is STILL on TV.  What's even stranger is somebody thought it would be a good idea to make games for this franchise.  Lots of games.  Nintendo, Game Boy, Sega Mega Drive, and there is even a XBox Live game.  And of course, the Super Nintendo fell victim to this as well.

The game starts off with 4th wall breaking, strange references that only senior citizens would get, and puns.  Puns everywhere.  It doesn't stop there though, the entire game is filled with this top quality humor.  This is one of those games that you know right from the start that you're in for a very tedious experience.

These are the only people alive that thought this game was good.  Well...I think they're alive.  Okay, maybe not the one on the bottom right.  She may be a zombie.

There is not a whole lot to complain about with the controls.  Jump, headbutt\spin attack, and a throw attack.  At least they kept it simple.

The music in this game is bad.  I'm not sure what they were going for, but if its purpose was to annoy me, it succeeded.  This is another game that is better played on mute, or not played at all.

It doesn't get any better with the graphics, either.  The graphics in this game are from the original Nintendo era, but the Rocky and Bullwinkle game for the NES is even worse, so I don't know how to explain it.  The TV show used poor animation and art, which I guess was amazing for the late 50's.  The game uses the same animation and art.  So it does stay true to the source material, but the source material sucked.

Regardless of how bad the art from the original show was, I still prefer it over this CGI abomination.  STOP RUINING SHIT WITH CGI.

Finally, we come to the gameplay.  Surprisingly, this game is hard.  The entire game is basically jumping from tiny platform to tiny platform while shit flies at you.  The game does offer mini games at the start of each level, but they suck too.  The first game is trying to outrun a train on a horse.  The second is throwing bubble gum at a dragon.  Why?  To kill it of course.  The only good thing about this entire game is its length.  3 stages, 3 bosses, and it's over.  It's like the game developers knew this game was going to suck, so they made it as painless as they possibly could.

To sum things up, this game is not fun, but the platforming is challenging.  I'm giving it 1 dead horse out of 5.  These games should never have been made.  There is no target audience, and I have yet to play one that was even the slightest bit enjoyable.

Awww, it wrote congratulations in crayon for me.  How retarded.

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Important news!

Okay, not really.  I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be making some changes to the layout over the next few days, so don't freak out if something isn't working right.  It's mostly going to be small things that bother me, so don't expect a complete make over.

For example, if you look at the comments below, you will now see a Reply button.  This is so we can respond to each other without getting confused.  It's nothing huge, but the lack of a reply button has annoyed me ever since I started this blog.

I'll probably change the color scheme up and maybe do something with the slider, it's a tad bit big for my liking.  If you guys have any suggestions, let me know here so I can try to implement them.  Or if you would like to see more in my reviews, tell me what you want and I'll try to deliver.  I've actually been thinking about adding a Story section just so I can explain the batshit insane excuses for a story that these games spew at me.  Like aliens coming to Earth to steal the World Cup.

And don't worry about the games, I've already got the reviews written up and scheduled for this week.

GDZN824HK4NQ (don't worry about this)

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REAL GAMES - THE ADVENTURES OF KID KLEETS

Is it a soccer game? Is it a platformer? Well, it's a little of both.

The Adventures of Kid Kleets, or Soccer Kid in Europe, is an interesting game that combines soccer tricks and your typical platform style game. The world cup has been stolen and destroyed by aliens, and it is your job to travel the world to find these pieces. In this game, everyone hates soccer players, including robots and small rodents. Their one mission in life is to flat out murder you and your ball.

We start the game off and OH GOD. What the fuck? Kid Kleets looks like the killer ventriloquist doll that is used in all of those shitty horror movies.  Eh...okay moving on.  You're a kid, with a ball.  You can kick the ball at people and objects.  You run around grabbing candy and other junk food, as well as grabbing cards of some sort.  Once again, there is no real instructions other than don't die, so just go with it.

I don't know what's scarier.  A killer dummy, or a killer dummy in yellow boy shorts.

The controls for this game are confusing to understand, and difficult to master.  Basically, you have a jump and a kick.  The kick does different things with the soccer ball according to your direction, timing, and movement.  You can do some pretty crazy tricks if you practice, but it is really hard to figure them out when starting the game.

The music is pretty bland.  It's not bad, it's not good, it's just there.  Same goes for sound effects.  Nothing impressive here.

Kid Kleets' graphics is a mixture of good and boring.  The sprite animations are pretty neat, especially when performing some of the more difficult tricks with the soccer ball.  The stages, however, are pretty lame.  They suffer from the same problem as the music, a lack of creativity.

The gameplay for this game is hard to judge.  It is fun, but only after you spend enough time figuring out all of the different kicks and tricks.  I will say this, The Adventures of Kid Kleets is truly unique.  They tried something new, and it worked to some extent.  I think if they were to try again using today's hardware, they could make a pretty badass game

From the creators of Kid Kleets comes a new tale of awesome.  Shaolin Soccer: THE GAME

Overall, the game was fun.  It could have been a lot better, but I can appreciate when game developers are brave enough to try something new.  I'm giving The Adventures of Kid Kleets 3 balancing soccer balls on the head out of 5.  If you like soccer, or want to try something different, give this game a shot.

Saved the World Cup from alien invaders, and now it's time to run a train on this prostitute.  Today was a good day for Kid Kleets.

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